Thursday, April 19, 2018

anxiety's dance routine

Where to start?   The last few years have been a whirlwind, well maybe more like a hurricane.   I am not one to embrace too much change and yet the last few years have been full of alot of change.   Two new jobs, two new cars, two new cats and most of all a new home.  With all this change going on around me one thing has stayed constant, and that is my two wonderful boys.   They are what keeps me sane and grounded so I can accept and grow from all the change around me. 

Anxiety is a pretty complex word,  whenever there is an x in an word it can go many ways.   First of all think about all the many ways you can say the letter x.   There are a few different ways, plus when you say the letters of the alphabet, does x really have a set sound?  Not really.   When we use the letter x  on forms it can be used as a way to choose something or it can be used to not choose something entirely and  eliminate a choice.  One thing I have learned about anxiety is that we   have become acquaintances in the past few years. I think it has always been there, it has been that friend that is a wall flower at the party till the right song starts to play and then it hits the dance floor like it is the star of the show.   It sneaks in when it is least expected and does not want to go away when the song ends.    It seems to me to be that taboo subject that no one wants to talk about and let it stay in the corner, and yet everyone says talk about your problems and it will make them better.   So which is it?  Do we talk about it or ignore it?

I have been very blessed in the past few years with all that has gone on around me and for that I am very grateful.   I am thankful for all the help my father has given me on our house and our barn, without his help I would not even know where to begin.   I am thankful to have a job finally that I can provide for me and the boys comfortably.   Twelve years ago I put my trust in god that I would be okay when I left a job and took a $20,000 pay cut, it took a while, but he has provided that job and made it into a career.  I am thankful for two healthy and amazing young gentlemen in my life, they are a source of joy and pride to me.   I am also thankful to an amazing boyfriend that saw me as an awkward broken girl and showed me patience and kindness and treats me like a lady.  But behind all these blessing is still that one friend called anxiety.     I lay awake at night worrying about the property, can I really bring it alive again? will the remodel projects ever get done?  What happens if I get hurt at work or at home, who will pay for everything?   What if something happens to the boys?  How do I juggle a busy job, the boys schedules and  a boyfriend?   What if I lose myself in all this madness?  What if the boyfriend really sees the broken girl and decides it is too much? 

This week has been a hard week for me, anxieties favorite song is playing and they have taken up residents on the dance floor in my mind.  As I lay awake at night I really start to think and one of the things that keeps popping into my head is this, what if there is someone out there that suffers like me but does not have a way to express themselves?  What if me exposing my dirty little secret is meant to help someone else?  You see the little postings on Facebook that say ' if you are awake at night maybe its gods way of saying lets talk'.   So God here I am .... lets talk. 

Let's talk about how anxiety needs to be quiet, and how  its okay if it wants to come out and dance sometimes,  but it seriously it has to stop at some point and take a break.   I figure its a way to remind us that we need to pause and focus on the things we are thankful for in our lives and reflect on where we have been and where we are going. Sometimes when we take the time to not sleep and to work through all our thoughts and problems we can come up with a different solution that we normally might not have; although we need to be careful here because sleep deprivation can cause some pretty bad decisions so do stop and think about it again when the sun is up.  Who am I kidding?  Certainly not myself tonight.   I miss sleeping and dreaming about happy things, like a day at the beach, or at disney world, or riding in a fast car  or walking in the woods.  A few weeks ago when this started I had a dream in which all my anxieties visited me; and at the end nothing was resolved and actually they were worse.  Then to put the cherry on the sundae of anxiety, one of the dreams really started to come true and it is still not resolved but only worse.   I think I just heard anxiety whoop it up on the dance floor. 

The one thing I wanted to convey in all this sleep deprived writing is this; please don't look at me and think I have it all together and its been an easy road.   It has not been that at all and I apologize if I gave that impression.  I am blessed but with blessings come trials, and I have seen my share.   Yes I have a roof over my head and a meal on the table, but there have been times where even that was questionable.  I want to share that there have been many nights when I am alone and I still hold my pillow and cry myself to sleep.   My brains seems to hum with all the thoughts that are going through it constantly and it doesn't want to be quiet.   I want you to know that you are not alone in this crazy world and I too suffer from anxiety and I am sure there are many more like us that have been shamed not to share.   

When darkness falls our phones tend to be silent, emails are quiet and all we can hear is the wind and during that time our mind can focus on the true problems.  For me its prioritizing my goals for the property and work this week.   So my solution tonight was to not put off those emails till the morning and to get them out tonight.  This way in the morning I can focus on other work matters and maybe take a few minutes to walk the property and plan on some small projects to finish over the weekend.  I am hoping by doing these simple tasks and getting all these thoughts out of my head that maybe, just maybe, the dj will lower the music and anxiety can take a break.  I am not confident but I am hopeful.  I also want to share with everyone, that if ever your anxiety is so bad that you see no way out please reach out to me or a friend near you.  Together we can battle this quiet beast and make it return as a wall flower. 

One thought/image comes to me now as I finish this and it goes back six years ago.   As I was having what I think of now as my first really big anxiety moment my youngest saved me.   He got on my chest and took his little hands and placed them on either side of my face and with a very serious look he told me ' you got this, and I believe in you.'  I don't know where he heard that before, but now I think that was god working through him to help me.   I hope you have that special someone to help you, if not, just imagine me telling you ' you got this, and I believe in you.'