Where to start? The last few years have been a whirlwind, well maybe more like a hurricane. I am not one to embrace too much change and yet the last few years have been full of alot of change. Two new jobs, two new cars, two new cats and most of all a new home. With all this change going on around me one thing has stayed constant, and that is my two wonderful boys. They are what keeps me sane and grounded so I can accept and grow from all the change around me.
Anxiety is a pretty complex word, whenever there is an x in an word it can go many ways. First of all think about all the many ways you can say the letter x. There are a few different ways, plus when you say the letters of the alphabet, does x really have a set sound? Not really. When we use the letter x on forms it can be used as a way to choose something or it can be used to not choose something entirely and eliminate a choice. One thing I have learned about anxiety is that we have become acquaintances in the past few years. I think it has always been there, it has been that friend that is a wall flower at the party till the right song starts to play and then it hits the dance floor like it is the star of the show. It sneaks in when it is least expected and does not want to go away when the song ends. It seems to me to be that taboo subject that no one wants to talk about and let it stay in the corner, and yet everyone says talk about your problems and it will make them better. So which is it? Do we talk about it or ignore it?
I have been very blessed in the past few years with all that has gone on around me and for that I am very grateful. I am thankful for all the help my father has given me on our house and our barn, without his help I would not even know where to begin. I am thankful to have a job finally that I can provide for me and the boys comfortably. Twelve years ago I put my trust in god that I would be okay when I left a job and took a $20,000 pay cut, it took a while, but he has provided that job and made it into a career. I am thankful for two healthy and amazing young gentlemen in my life, they are a source of joy and pride to me. I am also thankful to an amazing boyfriend that saw me as an awkward broken girl and showed me patience and kindness and treats me like a lady. But behind all these blessing is still that one friend called anxiety. I lay awake at night worrying about the property, can I really bring it alive again? will the remodel projects ever get done? What happens if I get hurt at work or at home, who will pay for everything? What if something happens to the boys? How do I juggle a busy job, the boys schedules and a boyfriend? What if I lose myself in all this madness? What if the boyfriend really sees the broken girl and decides it is too much?
This week has been a hard week for me, anxieties favorite song is playing and they have taken up residents on the dance floor in my mind. As I lay awake at night I really start to think and one of the things that keeps popping into my head is this, what if there is someone out there that suffers like me but does not have a way to express themselves? What if me exposing my dirty little secret is meant to help someone else? You see the little postings on Facebook that say ' if you are awake at night maybe its gods way of saying lets talk'. So God here I am .... lets talk.
Let's talk about how anxiety needs to be quiet, and how its okay if it wants to come out and dance sometimes, but it seriously it has to stop at some point and take a break. I figure its a way to remind us that we need to pause and focus on the things we are thankful for in our lives and reflect on where we have been and where we are going. Sometimes when we take the time to not sleep and to work through all our thoughts and problems we can come up with a different solution that we normally might not have; although we need to be careful here because sleep deprivation can cause some pretty bad decisions so do stop and think about it again when the sun is up. Who am I kidding? Certainly not myself tonight. I miss sleeping and dreaming about happy things, like a day at the beach, or at disney world, or riding in a fast car or walking in the woods. A few weeks ago when this started I had a dream in which all my anxieties visited me; and at the end nothing was resolved and actually they were worse. Then to put the cherry on the sundae of anxiety, one of the dreams really started to come true and it is still not resolved but only worse. I think I just heard anxiety whoop it up on the dance floor.
The one thing I wanted to convey in all this sleep deprived writing is this; please don't look at me and think I have it all together and its been an easy road. It has not been that at all and I apologize if I gave that impression. I am blessed but with blessings come trials, and I have seen my share. Yes I have a roof over my head and a meal on the table, but there have been times where even that was questionable. I want to share that there have been many nights when I am alone and I still hold my pillow and cry myself to sleep. My brains seems to hum with all the thoughts that are going through it constantly and it doesn't want to be quiet. I want you to know that you are not alone in this crazy world and I too suffer from anxiety and I am sure there are many more like us that have been shamed not to share.
When darkness falls our phones tend to be silent, emails are quiet and all we can hear is the wind and during that time our mind can focus on the true problems. For me its prioritizing my goals for the property and work this week. So my solution tonight was to not put off those emails till the morning and to get them out tonight. This way in the morning I can focus on other work matters and maybe take a few minutes to walk the property and plan on some small projects to finish over the weekend. I am hoping by doing these simple tasks and getting all these thoughts out of my head that maybe, just maybe, the dj will lower the music and anxiety can take a break. I am not confident but I am hopeful. I also want to share with everyone, that if ever your anxiety is so bad that you see no way out please reach out to me or a friend near you. Together we can battle this quiet beast and make it return as a wall flower.
One thought/image comes to me now as I finish this and it goes back six years ago. As I was having what I think of now as my first really big anxiety moment my youngest saved me. He got on my chest and took his little hands and placed them on either side of my face and with a very serious look he told me ' you got this, and I believe in you.' I don't know where he heard that before, but now I think that was god working through him to help me. I hope you have that special someone to help you, if not, just imagine me telling you ' you got this, and I believe in you.'
Thursday, April 19, 2018
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Saying Goodbye
Saying goodbye is never easy. I have said to many people, till next we meet, instead of good bye because it makes the moment a little easier to handle. But there are times when you just don't know when you will meet again, such as when they cross the rainbow bridge. I have had to say goodbye to many pets in my life and each time does not get easier. But this time is really hitting hard watching it through the eyes of my children.
We adopted Jack 11 years ago to be a companion to Haley. We had recently moved and she was missing her park friends and was showing signs of depression. So off the boys and I went to the humane society and we found Jack. He wasn't always what I would label as a good dog. Oh he has challenged my patience and others so many times. He liked to get on the kitchen counters and eat whatever bread you had available, and he somehow had the uncanny ability to pick the one loaf that you had plans for the next meal. He liked to eat the kitty liter for a bedtime snack and then come up to bed and burp into my face. He liked to poo anywhere and everywhere in the barn, especially the rooms we had just cleaned. He liked to walk right in front of me and bounce like tiger to the point where I could not walk another step. He liked to run off and visit his friends in the village at the most inconvenient times and late at night. He liked to roll in the freshest horse manure and turn his gray/black fur a weird color of green. He liked to get in the garbage and spread it through the kitchen and the diningroom. He knew he was being naughty when he was caught and would hang his head low and put himself in timeout, but just like any other child he would do it again... and again.
But Jack wasn't always bad he had his good moments. He would alert us if anyone was on the property or near his boys. He was all talk when confronting a visitor but he sure did sound fierce. He would come cuddle next to me at night when I was lonely. He followed us everywhere and never strayed too far when we walked in the woods. He loved to sit and watch us mow the lawn or do any yard work. He was beginning to get along with the cat and on occasion we would see them actually cuddling. He would wait patiently for me to wake up on the weekends when I desperately needed some rest. My favorite thing though is when I would pick him up at my parents and I would be greeted with a hug on the stairs and a gentle kiss on the cheek.
Today we celebrate his life with us and how much he means to us. As he crosses the bridge and joins Haley we want him to go with a bounce and a run while knowing he is loved. He has been showered with love the last two days after we discovered he was in pain due to a large mass in his abdomen. We were advised surgery was not an option as the mass was aggressive and had grown quickly. He would more than likely die during the operation due to the stress on his body. So we decided that instead of having him go alone we would surround him with our love and give him the best days filled with his favorite foods and those we kept away from him but he desperately wanted to enjoy. He has had busy bones, donuts, hot dogs, cheeseburgers and sausage. But most of all he had hugs and kisses and walks along his path in the back field.
It was a hard day saying goodbye and now a month later I still can not write this or read it without crying. But I know that we gave him the best three days of his life and we let him go with the grace, dignity and love that he deserved.
As I look back at 2016 all I can wish is that 2017 will be a better year. I have certainly had my ups and my downs in 2016 but I would not change them nor will I regret anything that happened. Jack was there for me during many of those times and he will be missed. As I look to the coming year I know that he is looking at us from across that rainbow bridge and sending us his love still and even though he is not with us physically he is with us in spirit.
We adopted Jack 11 years ago to be a companion to Haley. We had recently moved and she was missing her park friends and was showing signs of depression. So off the boys and I went to the humane society and we found Jack. He wasn't always what I would label as a good dog. Oh he has challenged my patience and others so many times. He liked to get on the kitchen counters and eat whatever bread you had available, and he somehow had the uncanny ability to pick the one loaf that you had plans for the next meal. He liked to eat the kitty liter for a bedtime snack and then come up to bed and burp into my face. He liked to poo anywhere and everywhere in the barn, especially the rooms we had just cleaned. He liked to walk right in front of me and bounce like tiger to the point where I could not walk another step. He liked to run off and visit his friends in the village at the most inconvenient times and late at night. He liked to roll in the freshest horse manure and turn his gray/black fur a weird color of green. He liked to get in the garbage and spread it through the kitchen and the diningroom. He knew he was being naughty when he was caught and would hang his head low and put himself in timeout, but just like any other child he would do it again... and again.
But Jack wasn't always bad he had his good moments. He would alert us if anyone was on the property or near his boys. He was all talk when confronting a visitor but he sure did sound fierce. He would come cuddle next to me at night when I was lonely. He followed us everywhere and never strayed too far when we walked in the woods. He loved to sit and watch us mow the lawn or do any yard work. He was beginning to get along with the cat and on occasion we would see them actually cuddling. He would wait patiently for me to wake up on the weekends when I desperately needed some rest. My favorite thing though is when I would pick him up at my parents and I would be greeted with a hug on the stairs and a gentle kiss on the cheek.
Today we celebrate his life with us and how much he means to us. As he crosses the bridge and joins Haley we want him to go with a bounce and a run while knowing he is loved. He has been showered with love the last two days after we discovered he was in pain due to a large mass in his abdomen. We were advised surgery was not an option as the mass was aggressive and had grown quickly. He would more than likely die during the operation due to the stress on his body. So we decided that instead of having him go alone we would surround him with our love and give him the best days filled with his favorite foods and those we kept away from him but he desperately wanted to enjoy. He has had busy bones, donuts, hot dogs, cheeseburgers and sausage. But most of all he had hugs and kisses and walks along his path in the back field.
It was a hard day saying goodbye and now a month later I still can not write this or read it without crying. But I know that we gave him the best three days of his life and we let him go with the grace, dignity and love that he deserved.
As I look back at 2016 all I can wish is that 2017 will be a better year. I have certainly had my ups and my downs in 2016 but I would not change them nor will I regret anything that happened. Jack was there for me during many of those times and he will be missed. As I look to the coming year I know that he is looking at us from across that rainbow bridge and sending us his love still and even though he is not with us physically he is with us in spirit.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Lessons Learned
Stihl Tour des Trees number 24 is in the record books, or for me its number 4, and as I reflect on the past week I realize it was a week filled with many lessons. They are lessons that honestly I feel I have been trying to learn over the past year and yet it took this week to make them really stick.
Lesson #1: When you ask for it a friend will catch you when you most need it
On day 2 the terrain was a bit challenging and at the same time was still incredibly fun. There were some wonderful hills to glide down and get the adrenaline rushing, and there were steep hills that got the heart rate way up. The most challenging part was when you would be gliding down enjoying the moment, make a turn, and BAM you were presented with a steep new incline. In some cases you could get enough momentum going to help you, but on others, well it was like hitting a wall. On one such hill I hit the wall hard, really hard. I wanted desperately to unclip and just walk it, but alas I was pedaling so hard I just could not twist the foot enough to clip out. I thought all hope was lost and that I was going to be doing my best interpretation of a turtle any second. Just when all hope was lost and I was going to brace myself a fellow rider had jumped off his bike and was standing at the right place at the right moment for me. I yelled out my desperate plea to be caught so I could prevent my impersonation, and to my great luck he caught me and I was able to walk the hill beside a great friend.
This past year has been filled with moments like this, but yet I have been scared to ask for the help I desperately needed. I felt as though there was no one I could call out to or that no one would even help me if I did find the courage to ask. That one moment last week showed me, or at least helped me to open my eyes, that I am surrounded by people that are willing to help me. I just need to know that it is okay to ask for help and that the journey up the hill is so much better when you can do it with a friend by your side. Thank you Robert for saving me that day I am ever so much in your debt.
Lesson #2: You are never truly alone
One morning I found myself without any of my regular riding partners, they had decided to get a jump on the day and start early, which I don't blame them as that day was a very long one. I started out just the same with the big pack and started to peddle. I rode for a bit with some groups I would never think I could ride with due to how fast they go, but soon I was dropped, no fault of their own but I just am not that strong. But I kept on peddling and peddling. After a while though it really started getting to me, this big black cloud descended upon my head and every instance where I felt alone or abandoned over the past year was just amplified. I was honestly beginning to scare myself with my dark thoughts and the foul language that was coming from it. Then all of a sudden the always happy Maggie came by in the truck and asked if I was okay, lets just say I was not okay and made it clear, I do apologize Maggie for that moment. But I just kept on pedaling. To my surprise the truck stopped about a quarter mile ahead of me and out came a rider and his bike. Here was a rider that could easily out pedal me even on his worse day, I have never really gotten to know this person due to never riding with them. To my surprise he rode at my pace and kept talking to me all the way to the next break. With each rotation of the pedal I found myself becoming lighter as that dark cloud lifted from my head. By the time we got to the first rest area I found one of the riders I normally keep pace with and I was now ready to conquer the day; I went on to bike 101 miles that day.
There have been many a moment over the past year where I have felt so utterly alone. As I look back now I wonder if maybe somewhere along the way I just did not see the random person that was there to pull me along. I have had the mindset that I do not want to share my barn or home with anyone, but now I see I was letting that black cloud win and not letting it be blown away. As the year progresses now I know I will keep my eyes and heart more open to allow someone to enjoy the journey with me, because I can't do it alone. Thank you Greg for riding with me that one morning, you have helped me in ways that can not be measured.
Lesson #3: You can make a positive impact on others just by being you
Through facebook I have shared my many adventures of my barn and house since I purchased it. It has been a year full of surprises, challenges and learning for me in many ways. Throughout the week individuals would come to me and tell me how much they enjoy following me and seeing what I do. There are some individuals who came to me and told me I inspire them; really me inspire anyone? But apparently it is true or so I have been told. Sometimes hearing from others on how you are perceived by them and how you are helping them can make you more aware and really brighten your day. There has been one person that has inspired me to do better, in the bike realm, each and every day. She started just like me with little training and not knowing what to do to become stronger. But through sheer determination and putting in the time she has become an amazing athlete.
Each and everyone of us can be an inspiration to others, always keep that in mind as you go through your day, even at your lowest someone could be looking to you for inspiration. Laurie Skull you have been my inspiration, and hopefully one day I too can become a great rider just like you. Keep on pedaling girl and maybe someday I can ride along side you.
Lesson#4: If you listen to your body, your body will listen too
It is no secret food and I have had a long history of love and hate. I may know how to eat healthy but its another thing to eat it. There are days I wish I could just hook an IV into my arm and get all my nutrition that way, I just don't take the time to eat properly or to drink properly for that matter. In addition I tend to push my body to its ultimate limits and then wonder why I am so tired all the time or in pain all the time for that matter. This year though I really tuned into my body and knew when it had enough of the punishment and when to just enjoy the scenery. One morning I woke up and although I did try to drink enough water the previous two days, apparently I had not because I was not feeling all that well. I tried to pedal through it but alas I finally threw in the pedals and sat out a segment to drink some water. During that time though I laughed, I was educated and I was able to hang out with some friends. After the short break I got back on the bike and I pedaled away feeling much better. I am glad I stopped and listened to my body because otherwise I would have missed out on the rest of the pedaling for the day.
Food was not my only nemesis this year, this year I also had to deal with a rib that just did not want to stay where it should. I have been trying to get it to heal before the trip, I even got it wrapped, but still by the fifth day, it had enough of the ride. The pain was intense and the breathing was difficult. I tried to go on, but I just could not do it. I took yet another break to give it a rest so I could enjoy the end of the day ride into the hotel, and boy am I glad I did that. The ride into Charlotte from the south is amazing, so many beautiful homes and roads lined with large oaks. The best part though, I got to ride in with Andy and Josh. Josh rode with me on and off throughout the week and we shared many laughs and sighs and challenges together and to do the last segment with him was an honor. Andy though, he is a gear head and he is a powerful rider, this was his 20th tour this year. He is an inspiration to me in that you can do anything you want if you just put forth the effort and take care of your body. Even though he slowed his pace for me, breathing was not easy by then, I am thankful that he did not make it too obvious and let me have the thrill of riding with him.
The lesson I learned throughout it all is that when I stop and actually rest I can then enjoy the rest of the journey. Its a lesson I needed to learn, the challenge will be to actually practice it. But as I look back at this years tour I will remember the lesson and take heed to stop and rest every now and then.
Lesson #5: You can't please everyone and not everyone will understand your journey
Confession time, I have only had one really loyal good friend in my life. People tend to come and go in my life quit frequently, especially over the past few years. I don't blame anyone else but myself for this fact, it is really hard for me to be open and free with people, I am a very guarded person. But when I started the bike tours, something changed in me. I found a wonderful group of individuals that are so open and caring and simply amazing; suddenly I found myself with friends that I can talk to about most anything. I started being a better person too and I wanted to share this energy with the world that I was experiencing. But somewhere along the way I also lost a part of me, the part that sees the bad in people and questions them. Some people would say that is a good thing, but in truth it is not. Because in the end it is I that will be hurt when all they do is take and nothing is ever given back. Or worse yet when you start to trust people and they use your rose colored glasses to hurt you in ways unimaginable.
I don't pretend to understand everyone's journey or what is going on in their private lives but at the same time I expect the same in return. But when someone tries to manipulate your journey in such a way that they feel they are helping, and yet not know exactly what your journey is, it can really hurt. Before the tour and especially at the beginning I let this really get to me and it bothered me more than I like to admit. Somewhere along the way though I simply woke up and said, no more. No more will I let someone manipulate my feelings, I will not let them or anyone hurt me, nor will I let anyone make me feel less than what I am.
The moral of this lesson is simple, we are only responsible for our own happiness and not anyone else's. Once we start caring enough for ourselves everything else will fall into place and maybe, through a positive influence, others can reach the same understanding and also find their happiness. Enjoy your journey for it is your own and only your own, and enjoy those that join you for your journey. But never loose sight that it is your journey and don't let anyone else unpack their baggage and join you unless they have the same goal as yourself and your journeys are meant to be traveled together.
I am sure there are many more lessons I learned along the way, but they are still slowly coming to my mind. Each year is a journey for me and I want to thank all of my sponsors who helped me support the Tree Fund through this amazing event. Together we raised $370,000 that will be spent on tree research and education. With every turn of a peddle we are making the world a better place one tree at a time. Now back to training in nine months I will do it again. :)
Lesson #1: When you ask for it a friend will catch you when you most need it
On day 2 the terrain was a bit challenging and at the same time was still incredibly fun. There were some wonderful hills to glide down and get the adrenaline rushing, and there were steep hills that got the heart rate way up. The most challenging part was when you would be gliding down enjoying the moment, make a turn, and BAM you were presented with a steep new incline. In some cases you could get enough momentum going to help you, but on others, well it was like hitting a wall. On one such hill I hit the wall hard, really hard. I wanted desperately to unclip and just walk it, but alas I was pedaling so hard I just could not twist the foot enough to clip out. I thought all hope was lost and that I was going to be doing my best interpretation of a turtle any second. Just when all hope was lost and I was going to brace myself a fellow rider had jumped off his bike and was standing at the right place at the right moment for me. I yelled out my desperate plea to be caught so I could prevent my impersonation, and to my great luck he caught me and I was able to walk the hill beside a great friend.
This past year has been filled with moments like this, but yet I have been scared to ask for the help I desperately needed. I felt as though there was no one I could call out to or that no one would even help me if I did find the courage to ask. That one moment last week showed me, or at least helped me to open my eyes, that I am surrounded by people that are willing to help me. I just need to know that it is okay to ask for help and that the journey up the hill is so much better when you can do it with a friend by your side. Thank you Robert for saving me that day I am ever so much in your debt.
Lesson #2: You are never truly alone
One morning I found myself without any of my regular riding partners, they had decided to get a jump on the day and start early, which I don't blame them as that day was a very long one. I started out just the same with the big pack and started to peddle. I rode for a bit with some groups I would never think I could ride with due to how fast they go, but soon I was dropped, no fault of their own but I just am not that strong. But I kept on peddling and peddling. After a while though it really started getting to me, this big black cloud descended upon my head and every instance where I felt alone or abandoned over the past year was just amplified. I was honestly beginning to scare myself with my dark thoughts and the foul language that was coming from it. Then all of a sudden the always happy Maggie came by in the truck and asked if I was okay, lets just say I was not okay and made it clear, I do apologize Maggie for that moment. But I just kept on pedaling. To my surprise the truck stopped about a quarter mile ahead of me and out came a rider and his bike. Here was a rider that could easily out pedal me even on his worse day, I have never really gotten to know this person due to never riding with them. To my surprise he rode at my pace and kept talking to me all the way to the next break. With each rotation of the pedal I found myself becoming lighter as that dark cloud lifted from my head. By the time we got to the first rest area I found one of the riders I normally keep pace with and I was now ready to conquer the day; I went on to bike 101 miles that day.
There have been many a moment over the past year where I have felt so utterly alone. As I look back now I wonder if maybe somewhere along the way I just did not see the random person that was there to pull me along. I have had the mindset that I do not want to share my barn or home with anyone, but now I see I was letting that black cloud win and not letting it be blown away. As the year progresses now I know I will keep my eyes and heart more open to allow someone to enjoy the journey with me, because I can't do it alone. Thank you Greg for riding with me that one morning, you have helped me in ways that can not be measured.
Lesson #3: You can make a positive impact on others just by being you
Through facebook I have shared my many adventures of my barn and house since I purchased it. It has been a year full of surprises, challenges and learning for me in many ways. Throughout the week individuals would come to me and tell me how much they enjoy following me and seeing what I do. There are some individuals who came to me and told me I inspire them; really me inspire anyone? But apparently it is true or so I have been told. Sometimes hearing from others on how you are perceived by them and how you are helping them can make you more aware and really brighten your day. There has been one person that has inspired me to do better, in the bike realm, each and every day. She started just like me with little training and not knowing what to do to become stronger. But through sheer determination and putting in the time she has become an amazing athlete.
Each and everyone of us can be an inspiration to others, always keep that in mind as you go through your day, even at your lowest someone could be looking to you for inspiration. Laurie Skull you have been my inspiration, and hopefully one day I too can become a great rider just like you. Keep on pedaling girl and maybe someday I can ride along side you.
Lesson#4: If you listen to your body, your body will listen too
It is no secret food and I have had a long history of love and hate. I may know how to eat healthy but its another thing to eat it. There are days I wish I could just hook an IV into my arm and get all my nutrition that way, I just don't take the time to eat properly or to drink properly for that matter. In addition I tend to push my body to its ultimate limits and then wonder why I am so tired all the time or in pain all the time for that matter. This year though I really tuned into my body and knew when it had enough of the punishment and when to just enjoy the scenery. One morning I woke up and although I did try to drink enough water the previous two days, apparently I had not because I was not feeling all that well. I tried to pedal through it but alas I finally threw in the pedals and sat out a segment to drink some water. During that time though I laughed, I was educated and I was able to hang out with some friends. After the short break I got back on the bike and I pedaled away feeling much better. I am glad I stopped and listened to my body because otherwise I would have missed out on the rest of the pedaling for the day.
Food was not my only nemesis this year, this year I also had to deal with a rib that just did not want to stay where it should. I have been trying to get it to heal before the trip, I even got it wrapped, but still by the fifth day, it had enough of the ride. The pain was intense and the breathing was difficult. I tried to go on, but I just could not do it. I took yet another break to give it a rest so I could enjoy the end of the day ride into the hotel, and boy am I glad I did that. The ride into Charlotte from the south is amazing, so many beautiful homes and roads lined with large oaks. The best part though, I got to ride in with Andy and Josh. Josh rode with me on and off throughout the week and we shared many laughs and sighs and challenges together and to do the last segment with him was an honor. Andy though, he is a gear head and he is a powerful rider, this was his 20th tour this year. He is an inspiration to me in that you can do anything you want if you just put forth the effort and take care of your body. Even though he slowed his pace for me, breathing was not easy by then, I am thankful that he did not make it too obvious and let me have the thrill of riding with him.
The lesson I learned throughout it all is that when I stop and actually rest I can then enjoy the rest of the journey. Its a lesson I needed to learn, the challenge will be to actually practice it. But as I look back at this years tour I will remember the lesson and take heed to stop and rest every now and then.
Lesson #5: You can't please everyone and not everyone will understand your journey
Confession time, I have only had one really loyal good friend in my life. People tend to come and go in my life quit frequently, especially over the past few years. I don't blame anyone else but myself for this fact, it is really hard for me to be open and free with people, I am a very guarded person. But when I started the bike tours, something changed in me. I found a wonderful group of individuals that are so open and caring and simply amazing; suddenly I found myself with friends that I can talk to about most anything. I started being a better person too and I wanted to share this energy with the world that I was experiencing. But somewhere along the way I also lost a part of me, the part that sees the bad in people and questions them. Some people would say that is a good thing, but in truth it is not. Because in the end it is I that will be hurt when all they do is take and nothing is ever given back. Or worse yet when you start to trust people and they use your rose colored glasses to hurt you in ways unimaginable.
I don't pretend to understand everyone's journey or what is going on in their private lives but at the same time I expect the same in return. But when someone tries to manipulate your journey in such a way that they feel they are helping, and yet not know exactly what your journey is, it can really hurt. Before the tour and especially at the beginning I let this really get to me and it bothered me more than I like to admit. Somewhere along the way though I simply woke up and said, no more. No more will I let someone manipulate my feelings, I will not let them or anyone hurt me, nor will I let anyone make me feel less than what I am.
The moral of this lesson is simple, we are only responsible for our own happiness and not anyone else's. Once we start caring enough for ourselves everything else will fall into place and maybe, through a positive influence, others can reach the same understanding and also find their happiness. Enjoy your journey for it is your own and only your own, and enjoy those that join you for your journey. But never loose sight that it is your journey and don't let anyone else unpack their baggage and join you unless they have the same goal as yourself and your journeys are meant to be traveled together.
I am sure there are many more lessons I learned along the way, but they are still slowly coming to my mind. Each year is a journey for me and I want to thank all of my sponsors who helped me support the Tree Fund through this amazing event. Together we raised $370,000 that will be spent on tree research and education. With every turn of a peddle we are making the world a better place one tree at a time. Now back to training in nine months I will do it again. :)
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Day one
What have I learned today? I have learned that the day after a hurricane is very windy, extremely windy; actually ridiculously windy. Riding into a headwind up and down hills is not fun in case anyone was curious. But along the way I did have many positive moments such as meeting new friends and rekindling old friendships. When faced with adversities this group will rally together and provide support and inspiration. We congratulate those that were able to conquer this day and congratulate those that did portions along the route with the same enthusiasm. There is no competition here, only support.
As the presidential debate is going on as I write this, I wonder what would happen if these two individuals should join us. Would they support each other? Would they see what can happen when support is provided? Every year I am amazed at the energy that comes from this event. If only we could share it with more individuals I think the world would be a much better place. A world where no one is left behind when you are at your lowest there is someone to pick you up. That is the type of world I want my boys to inherit and to grow up in. And every day I strive to provide such a world for them. Even if it is only in our home it does not matter because I know they will go out into the world and share that message with others. Will you help me to change the world one person at a time?
As the presidential debate is going on as I write this, I wonder what would happen if these two individuals should join us. Would they support each other? Would they see what can happen when support is provided? Every year I am amazed at the energy that comes from this event. If only we could share it with more individuals I think the world would be a much better place. A world where no one is left behind when you are at your lowest there is someone to pick you up. That is the type of world I want my boys to inherit and to grow up in. And every day I strive to provide such a world for them. Even if it is only in our home it does not matter because I know they will go out into the world and share that message with others. Will you help me to change the world one person at a time?
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Together
In the past year I have been blessed with so many wonderful experiences and so many challenging experiences. The main blessing was I was finally able to close on our wonderful estate, it only took six months of trials and tribulations, but it finally happened. Most individuals would have given up during the process, even my lawyer and bank loan officer gave up, but I persevered and finally it was ours. In the last ten months the boys and I have worked hard to make it our home. In the rooms we have renovated our love is most evident, together we picked out the colors, the furniture and soon the decorations. It is a place filled with love, laughter and personal growth. We have learned how to work with mud, install windows, wallpaper ceilings, and install ceiling fans.
But it has not been an easy journey, so many times I have laid awake at night worried about making the mortgage payment, paying for the renovations, and making it a home for my boys. The point though is every morning I have gotten up and said ' we got this ' and 'don't ever give up'. I won't give up on the vision I have for this amazing estate, I can't give up on this vision, I have two boys that need me to keep going. When friends or family see me they always tell me how lucky I am and how they enjoy seeing my passion and the work I am doing. What they don't see are all those nights awake, or me passed out completely exhausted in the barn or in the yard after giving every ounce of energy that I have in me. I have not shared those moments because to me its a sign of weakness and I don't want others to see that in my, ever. But I have been thinking lately, if I am making this look easy how is that helping me or anyone else.
This year has been a lot of work, and what I have learned is when you give something your all, you will receive so much more back in return. When things have reached their worse, especially emotionally, I have found one release, or therapy, my bike. I have rode more this summer than I have in last four years. Once I am on the bike I can clear my head and all I can think of is pedaling and speed and of course breathing. Biking is my meditation, it makes my brain to stop going in many different directions and allows it to calm. I can work through everything, from my personal life to work to boys schedules and how to accomplish a project on the estate. By the time I get back home my heart is racing, my mind is clear and I am a better mom because of it because now all I have to think about is my boys.
As I embark on my fourth Stihl Tour des Trees bike tour tomorrow I am physically more prepared than I have been in the past. Thanks to all the projects in the barn that made me stronger and all the therapy sessions on my bike. But most of all I look forward to this week to work through the past year in one big therapy session. It is no secret this tour has changed my life in so many ways, for the positive I would like to believe. It has made me face my most inner demons and to conquer them one at a time. There are still more demons to conquer but the room is not so crowded anymore where they all dwell. It has left me stronger mentally, physically and spiritually.
Tomorrow is our hardest day on the tour, a lot of climbing and many miles to cover. In the past I may have been intimated but this year I am not in the least. If anything I am looking at it as a wonderful challenge and I am up for it this year. This will be a wonderful therapy session and the most wonderful thing about it is I won't be going it alone. I will be surrounded by so many friends encouraging me along the way and I will be encouraging them as well. Together we can do more than we ever thought possible.
That is my reflection for this past year, together we can do more than we ever thought possible. With the help of my boys and my dad we have transformed an old barn into the beauty it once was over 50 years ago. If anyone would have told me I would be doing this I would have laughed at them, but I am doing it, and apparently making it looking easy. But tomorrow I will set out on one of the hardest rides I have ever undertaken and at the end of the day I will look at what I did and be proud. Even if I don't finish the entire day I will be proud, because half the battle is showing up, and I will show up ready to conquer that demon. That is what I want to leave you with my reader, just show up and try and you never know what you can accomplish and even the person who you think has their life together and has the easy life may actually not and just needs a little encouragement. Reach out to each other and offer encouragement when you can because together we can make this world an amazing place for everyone.
But it has not been an easy journey, so many times I have laid awake at night worried about making the mortgage payment, paying for the renovations, and making it a home for my boys. The point though is every morning I have gotten up and said ' we got this ' and 'don't ever give up'. I won't give up on the vision I have for this amazing estate, I can't give up on this vision, I have two boys that need me to keep going. When friends or family see me they always tell me how lucky I am and how they enjoy seeing my passion and the work I am doing. What they don't see are all those nights awake, or me passed out completely exhausted in the barn or in the yard after giving every ounce of energy that I have in me. I have not shared those moments because to me its a sign of weakness and I don't want others to see that in my, ever. But I have been thinking lately, if I am making this look easy how is that helping me or anyone else.
This year has been a lot of work, and what I have learned is when you give something your all, you will receive so much more back in return. When things have reached their worse, especially emotionally, I have found one release, or therapy, my bike. I have rode more this summer than I have in last four years. Once I am on the bike I can clear my head and all I can think of is pedaling and speed and of course breathing. Biking is my meditation, it makes my brain to stop going in many different directions and allows it to calm. I can work through everything, from my personal life to work to boys schedules and how to accomplish a project on the estate. By the time I get back home my heart is racing, my mind is clear and I am a better mom because of it because now all I have to think about is my boys.
As I embark on my fourth Stihl Tour des Trees bike tour tomorrow I am physically more prepared than I have been in the past. Thanks to all the projects in the barn that made me stronger and all the therapy sessions on my bike. But most of all I look forward to this week to work through the past year in one big therapy session. It is no secret this tour has changed my life in so many ways, for the positive I would like to believe. It has made me face my most inner demons and to conquer them one at a time. There are still more demons to conquer but the room is not so crowded anymore where they all dwell. It has left me stronger mentally, physically and spiritually.
Tomorrow is our hardest day on the tour, a lot of climbing and many miles to cover. In the past I may have been intimated but this year I am not in the least. If anything I am looking at it as a wonderful challenge and I am up for it this year. This will be a wonderful therapy session and the most wonderful thing about it is I won't be going it alone. I will be surrounded by so many friends encouraging me along the way and I will be encouraging them as well. Together we can do more than we ever thought possible.
That is my reflection for this past year, together we can do more than we ever thought possible. With the help of my boys and my dad we have transformed an old barn into the beauty it once was over 50 years ago. If anyone would have told me I would be doing this I would have laughed at them, but I am doing it, and apparently making it looking easy. But tomorrow I will set out on one of the hardest rides I have ever undertaken and at the end of the day I will look at what I did and be proud. Even if I don't finish the entire day I will be proud, because half the battle is showing up, and I will show up ready to conquer that demon. That is what I want to leave you with my reader, just show up and try and you never know what you can accomplish and even the person who you think has their life together and has the easy life may actually not and just needs a little encouragement. Reach out to each other and offer encouragement when you can because together we can make this world an amazing place for everyone.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Family
What is family? Is family only those that you share your lineage with or is it more? I have learned over the past two years that it is so much more than just that. Family to me is defined as those that come into your life and shape it in ways you never imagined. Three years ago I did something that I did not think was possible, I biked around Lake Ontario. Me, when in the prime of my youth I would ride around Lake Chautauqua and come in last place during the Cummins Bike Race, but I would always receive a plaque stating I came in first place... in my age group. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could bike for over 500 miles in a week. But I did it, and the most important thing is I did it again the following year where I had the privilege to bike throughout Wisconsin. This week I get to bike through a state in which I hope to call my Winter home in the future, Florida. I ask myself still to this day why do I do this... the answer is simple, because of my family.
I have two important families in my life. My family that is stuck with me because we are related and secondly my bike family. My first family supports me through this crazy endeavor by being there for my boys when I can not be, this is truly the hardest part for me during this ride. Every day if not every hour I will think to myself, John would like to see this or Mathew would love to learn about this and so forth. I want to share with them this great adventure and I hope I can bring them back someday and share with them everything that I experience. But school is important and taking them away from that is just not feasible at the moment.
Then there is my second family, my bike family. The bike tour is our reunion and our time to share our joys and sometimes our sorrows that we have experienced over the past year. Most of us keep in touch through Facebook but seeing each other is soooo much better. There are hugs and smiles being exchanged all the time and the areas around us is always filled with laughter. There is learning and teaching being exchanged, ranging from bike trinkets to industry knowledge. In this family there is not one black sheep in the family, everyone here is the black sheep and your uniqueness is embraced.
In the coming week there will be an outpouring of support, knowledge and hugs.
They have helped me see myself in a new way in the past few years. My first year they let me see that I am stronger than I ever could imagine. My second year they let me see that it is okay to stop and admire the flowers and to ask for help when I needed it. I don't know what I will learn this year; but I am sure it will be something amazing. This past year has been a year of changes for me and I contribute it to my family and their way of helping me grow.
This family is the crowning example of how every family should be in an ideal world. I am very privileged to have found this family and even more privileged they allow me to be part of their family. My only wish for this week is that we all ride safe so we can go home to our first family and to change the world one tree at a time for future families to enjoy.
I have two important families in my life. My family that is stuck with me because we are related and secondly my bike family. My first family supports me through this crazy endeavor by being there for my boys when I can not be, this is truly the hardest part for me during this ride. Every day if not every hour I will think to myself, John would like to see this or Mathew would love to learn about this and so forth. I want to share with them this great adventure and I hope I can bring them back someday and share with them everything that I experience. But school is important and taking them away from that is just not feasible at the moment.
Then there is my second family, my bike family. The bike tour is our reunion and our time to share our joys and sometimes our sorrows that we have experienced over the past year. Most of us keep in touch through Facebook but seeing each other is soooo much better. There are hugs and smiles being exchanged all the time and the areas around us is always filled with laughter. There is learning and teaching being exchanged, ranging from bike trinkets to industry knowledge. In this family there is not one black sheep in the family, everyone here is the black sheep and your uniqueness is embraced.
In the coming week there will be an outpouring of support, knowledge and hugs.
They have helped me see myself in a new way in the past few years. My first year they let me see that I am stronger than I ever could imagine. My second year they let me see that it is okay to stop and admire the flowers and to ask for help when I needed it. I don't know what I will learn this year; but I am sure it will be something amazing. This past year has been a year of changes for me and I contribute it to my family and their way of helping me grow.
This family is the crowning example of how every family should be in an ideal world. I am very privileged to have found this family and even more privileged they allow me to be part of their family. My only wish for this week is that we all ride safe so we can go home to our first family and to change the world one tree at a time for future families to enjoy.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Reflections
This year has been a year full of changes. Changes I did not anticipate and that have shaped me in ways I never could imagine. Never would I have imagined I would be where I am today one year ago. I will not say it has been an easy journey, but it was a journey that proved to me I am stronger than I give myself credit for. Many of my friends have come to me and said they admire me for what I have done and they wish they could have the same journey. Be careful what you wish for my friends. Yes it is wonderful to own your dream barn, I mean home, and to have the land you never thought you could play with; don't get me wrong I am very grateful. But there are times when you sit back and look at your surroundings and just say WOW. Wow I get to play with all of this, wow I have to do all of this and wow you want me to do WHAT? It can be a bit overwhelming to say the least. But then I stop and sit in my back field under the light of the full moon and just say wow I am blessed. I could never ever ever do this without the help of my dad, and I wonder some days who loves the property more, him or I. Together we are bringing new life to the property and making it shine like the jewel it is; but I often wonder if we are making it shine or if it is making us shine. I am doing things I never thought I could do. Such as conquer my fear of heights on a ladder, crawling into a crawl space in the middle of the winter, replacing an exterior wall and snowblowing a huge driveway at the end of the day. My dad has been there through it all with me, even those late night calls when the basement is flooding or the furnace has stopped working and it -20 outside.
My boys are learning along side of me too. They are learning that on the weekends an old property needs love and attention and there is always a project to be done. They may put up a small fight with me, but in the end they surprise me and jump right on the lawnmower and take care of the yard for me or work along side grandpa and surprise me when I get home with a completed project.
As I go through the process of buying this home I stop and wonder if its worth all the tears, aggravation and stress. As I sit under the glow of the full moon in my back field and look at my surroundings, I realize I already know the answer. Yes it is all worth it, oh so very much worth it. So many people have loved the property and I am so very grateful that I can now share with them the love and leave a story or two behind of our time spent on the property.
This past year has taught me that sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and have faith that you are on a journey that you are meant to take. You wouldn't be on this journey if it wasn't meant for you, and the time for it was now. It may not be an easy journey, but if all journeys were easy life would be a tad boring don't you think? On the hardest days it is hard to remember to keep an eye on the prize, so to speak, but yet I do. And for me that prize is my barn and the amazing property with it. Looking back one year ago, if you would have told me I would be where I am today, I would have told you that you are delusional, I could never do that. But I did it and I am doing it still, I may want to give up some days; but I will never give up completely, never.
So if you are ever in the area, look for the big red barn and stop by for a visit. Share a story of the property or make a new story with us, we always have a project or two you can help us with and we always love giving tours of the barn.
My boys are learning along side of me too. They are learning that on the weekends an old property needs love and attention and there is always a project to be done. They may put up a small fight with me, but in the end they surprise me and jump right on the lawnmower and take care of the yard for me or work along side grandpa and surprise me when I get home with a completed project.
As I go through the process of buying this home I stop and wonder if its worth all the tears, aggravation and stress. As I sit under the glow of the full moon in my back field and look at my surroundings, I realize I already know the answer. Yes it is all worth it, oh so very much worth it. So many people have loved the property and I am so very grateful that I can now share with them the love and leave a story or two behind of our time spent on the property.
This past year has taught me that sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and have faith that you are on a journey that you are meant to take. You wouldn't be on this journey if it wasn't meant for you, and the time for it was now. It may not be an easy journey, but if all journeys were easy life would be a tad boring don't you think? On the hardest days it is hard to remember to keep an eye on the prize, so to speak, but yet I do. And for me that prize is my barn and the amazing property with it. Looking back one year ago, if you would have told me I would be where I am today, I would have told you that you are delusional, I could never do that. But I did it and I am doing it still, I may want to give up some days; but I will never give up completely, never.
So if you are ever in the area, look for the big red barn and stop by for a visit. Share a story of the property or make a new story with us, we always have a project or two you can help us with and we always love giving tours of the barn.
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